"That split second of shock
when someone leaves. Then numbness takes over."

I've been here, definitely been here. That second any type of relationship ends, whether it's a friendship, a romantic relationship, or a friends with benefits relationship, is just like this. I think the most painful relationship to end is a friendship, well at least for me. I'm not that type of person who has a bunch of close friends; I've got two or three at the most. So the thought of losing a friend makes me die on the inside, I start feeling numbness creep up my fingers and toes, into my arms and legs. It feels like my heart stops beating and I go completely cold and numb. I even have problems confronting close friends about problems because the thought of losing a friend whose close to me just scares me shitless.

The sad thing is, I think I lost one of those friends. I have very few criteria for my friends, but those few things are VERY IMPORTANT. And in order of importance:

1. Must be honest 99% of the time, if you do lie it better be because you're planning me a surprise party or something along those lines.
2. Must be able to take the blame if it's rightfully theirs.
3. Never accuse me of something I did not do.
4. Must be funny, perverted, and slightly sadistic.

So I have four main criteria for friends, they aren't that hard to meet in my opinion. Another thing, you only get two chances, third chances aren't real in my world. If you lie to me about something serious, blame me for something I didn't do, or not take the blame if you did something wrong then if it's your first offense I'll let it go after a while, depending on how bad it was, but I'll get over it. I'm only human, I'm going to get mad, and things along those lines, but I'll get over it. But if you fuck up AGAIN then just get the hell out, the dirt on the ground is worth than you.

This goes out to my friend that I might  lose(and you know who you are), you have one more chance. We can never be as close as we were, but we can still be friends. All you have to do is show me some respect for being your friend for almost a year, and tell me the truth. There's this thing called woman's intuition, we know when guys are lying, and you my once upon a time past friend, are telling such a big pile of bull shit all I can do is laugh. I'm not dumb, I'm not falling for that bullshit, and gonna let you blame it all on me. Any type of relationship takes work, and if you stop pulling your weight the other can only pull so much before it all goes to hell. Which is exactly where we went, but since this is only your first offense I'm over it now, but now it's up to you to fix it. So I'm being really generous right now, considering how close of friends we were, and telling you a month and some days to figure out if you care enough for me as a friend to be honest with me. I mean I was your friend for a whole year, I went through some serious shit with my parents because of you, and almost got kicked out of my house for you. And if you don't have the basic human decentcy and manners to be honest with me then just tell me now so Dina can plot your murder.

Ok my rant is done guys, sorry about that. Tomorrow I'll post a blog about my summer music playlist. I love you guys. Oh and my once upon a time friend.... С Днем Рождения.

-Rose <3
 

This is one of me and my friends favorite videos, meaning Tre and Cortne. Watch!

Holy fucking shit I fucking HATE nightmares! Since school let out I have them every night. And they've been getting worse and worse every night. And last night was the WORST!!! Scared the shit out of me and woke me up at like 4 in the fucking morning. I don't want to wake up that early in the summer, if I wanted to I would've set an alarm.

Do you guys have nightmares? I'm not talking about ones where you're somewhere in your underwear. I'm talking about  ones where you wake up clutching the sheets, breathing heavily (no not a sexual dream pervs), and start crying. And not a little sniffle, like tears pouring and snot coming out of your nose, not attractive but it happens. That's what I've had all fucking summer. They've been getting worse and worse, and it's pissing me off. I'm a growing girl, I need my sleep, these nightmares are cramping my sleep schedule. OMG that's the first time I've ever spelled schedule right the first time, holy shit!!!!

Ok back on topic. Is there anyway to stop having nightmares, I've tried somethings but they aren't working. I stopped reading Rizzoli and Isles books before bed, I stopped writing stories where something terrible happens to the main characters, I don't eat before bed. I don't know what's causing them. I think I should talk to my shrink. Dina if you're reading one, why haven't you texted me back so I can tell you about this dream, you and a 'person' (you know the person you're planning on killing...) is in it. And it's bad. Two time to put on your shrink hat.

So do you guys have any tips? I really would like to be able to sleep more than four hours every night. Cause if these nightmares get any worse I'll be blogging at one in the morning, or something ridiculous like that.

Ok that's all for now. Love you guys!

-Rose <3

God August can't come fast enough. One because I miss my friends and I'm tired of being stuck with my family. And two because I'm going to Florida in August with my brother, aunts, and three dogs. I know crowded ass car, and a lot of loose hair (icky). We're staying at my aunt's dad's house, and there are two perks to this. One he has a pool, two his neighbor has a teenaged son, who is super cute, as are his 4 other friends who play basketball with him (shirtless!!!).

This is going to be the highlight of my summer, besides whenever I can get my dad to let me dye my hair (red most likely) or I convince my parents to let me get gauges (probably not going to happen, but I can dream). Dina and I were talking about this earlier, and it got me super excited, so I decided to blog about my excitement! Those guys are always nice to me, even back when I was really shy and dorky (not cute and cool dorky like I am now either, like the shy dork you see on tv. Yeah that bad, I definitely don't miss those days. Ok back on topic) around guys. They always waved and asked how I was, I'd usually blush and get a few words out... barely. Geez I've changed tremendously since then, just ask Dina, she knows. Wow talk about a gillion years ago. I can't wait to go and see these guys. And this time I have experience with guys (like as in dating, thought I should clarify since some people are dirty minded), I'm single, and.... we'll see what happens. And of course I'll keep you updated!

And next week I'm going to camp, it's a Christian camp (bleck), but I've been going since I was like 6, so I'll bear it, if only for my grandma. And I know all the administration, and all the counselors. I love Peter (from England), Ignacio (from Spain, he was SSOOOO happy when Spain won the Cup, he was cute too)! Anyways there are usually one or two guys who are cute. So I think I'll survive the crappy food, and religion being stuffed down my throat.

Ok I'm going to try to make this a little bit more of a learning experience than just me babbling on about cute guys, I'll save that for when I text Dina after this. :D Ok so I'm just saying you never know where you might find a summer fling. You could find one at the beach, next door, at camp, the mall, anywhere. And in my opinion a summer fling doesn't count as a really relationship if you don't keep in touch past when school starts (for me August 25, right?) So I'm just saying have fun this summer, wear the cutest bikini ever made, make sure you get a tan (wear sunscreen though), and don't stress yourself over anything, that's what they invented school for.

That's all for now, I won't be able to blog for a whole two weeks starting on the twenty-third *Rose starts sniffling*. I'll type up some blogs for Dina to post for me. But when I come back I promise to have a bunch of funny stories from camp, and from the bumpkin kids in my grandma's neighborhood. Oh white people ya'll are ssssoooo weird.

If you guys have any ideas or things you want me to write about, leave me a comment, or send me an email, cause writing two weeks worth of blogs is gonna be tough. Ok can also reach my on any site that I write on, just type in Evanishing Rose on the Google search bar. My email(s)  is(are): [email protected] or [email protected]

Love you guys!

-Rose <3

This past Sunday my rights were violated. I, a devout agnostic, was forced to go to church. My mom knows that I do not follow or practice any religion (me doing yoga everyday doesn't count as being Buddhist). And she still forced me to go. I think Dina wrote a blog on this in our early days. It was about a child whose parents were Christian and Jewish and they were fighting over what religion the child should follow. I stoutly believe everyone should have the right to follow whatever religion you want, and no one can say shit. That's protected by our bill of rights (Right? I haven't taken civics yet, I don't know).

Ok I know this is a short blog, but I'm writing another one later. Oh another chapter on my RPG will be up today or tomorrow.

Bye love you guys!

-Rose <3

Ok my summer resolution is to finish every story I have ever started. This will be quite a feat considering all my writing stuff stacked together is 8 inches tall. There are 14 stories! Holy shit fuck what in the bloody fucking hell have I gotten myself into?!?!?! Oh Buddha, help me. At least one of those stories is a collaboration with our most lovely Dina (who is featured in a lot of my stories, usually under the name Dina or Hadley or Hades). Most of these stories I haven't touched in months, they've been growing mold and musty book smell (Buddha I love that smell!). So I'm going to finish the two I've started most recently, which are one RPG with the lovely Dina, and an RPG with Alex. Right now I'm in the pre writing stages for Dina's RPG and the third chapter for Alex's RPG.

This is going to be a lot of work but I'm a writer and I love a challenge. If you're a writer, of any type, and you have unfinished songs, stories, poems, or recipes go finish them. I challenge you to finish whatever it is. Hey even if you aren't a writer if there's something you need to finish or fix. Like fix a sink, finish a scarf for the coming winter, fix a friendship, finish your summer projects (which I'm starting once I go over to Dina's house and we have a bonfire with stuff!), whatever.

If there is something you haven't finished or need to fix leave me a comment telling me what it is. I'll try to help! Ok that's it for today.

Love you guys and tell me what's something you need to finish or fix. At the end of the summer (August 31) we'll see if we finished what we needed to finish. No prize, well I won't say that I do babysit 5-6 days a week during August. Bye!

-Rose <3

"You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie.

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you they don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie.

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.

The last night away from me

The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand I will help you hold on
Tonight,
Tonight.

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.

I won't let you say goodbye,
I'll be your reason why.

The last night away from me,
Away from me."

The highlighted verse is my favorite. I think we've all been there. Things with your parents are total shit, and the only reason you're still here and standing is because of a friend who is always there, holding you up, and reminding you that life isn't always that bad. I've definitely been there, in May things with my parents were so bad my dad was about to kick me out of the house. It's only cause of my amazing and wonderful friends like Dina and Tre and Manda that I'm still here. I'm saying that in all seriousness. I was in a really bad place, some really dark thoughts, about hurting myself, and ending my life. But my goof ball friends knew exactly how to make me feel better.

Since then things have gotten better with my parents, and I'm not in that bad place anymore. I have no clue where I'd be if it wasn't for this list of people:

• Dina B.
  
• Tre S.
  
• Manda p.
  
• Kyla W.
  
• Andrew H. (I admit that begrudgenly. Yes I probably made up that word, roll with it.)
  
• Alex P.

I don't know what I would be like with out you guys. Hell I don't know if I'd be here writing this blog, and listening to Rise Against. Just thanks for being here for me, and I'm here you guys too. Love you guys.

And I love my readers too! Until next time!

-Rose <3

I know this picture is hard to read, I know, I had to wear my glasses (yes I have glasses cause I tried [and failed] to read in the dark as a child) just to barely see it. Ok well this picture says on this person's (I'm guessing a girl, they just have really small looking hands) fingers it says, "It was all my fault right?"

It's human nature to either blame it on yourself or someone else. I usually am the person who takes all the blame, hence the reason I'm perpetually grounded.... anyways I usually like people, and are friends with people, who take the blame. That way I know no one's ever gonna blame crap on me that I didn't do. Those people are better than ones who won't own up when it's their fault.

I honestly can't stand people who don't have the balls to take take the blame if it's rightfully theirs. I understand not all people are like me and won't take the blame for other people, and that's fine. But the second someone tries to put the blame on someone else.... well that person is dead to me. They're worth no more than the dirt on the ground. God I cannot stand that, it's seriously one of my top pet peeves. And here is a list of my pet peeves (in no particular order):

1. Not taking the blame if it's rightfully yours.
2. Lying.
3. Cleaning toilets.
4. Squirrels when they run away.
5. Loud people.
6. Rude people.
7. Overtly ghetto people.
8. Majority of teenagers.
9. Anyone not between the ages of 0-5 and 18+ (except for certain people)
10. Going into a dark bathroom or any dark room, without something to protect myself with.
11. Um.... diet sodas (EVIL!!!!!!!!)

Ok that's it for today I think, I'm sorry I haven't been that good at blogging, but I've been forced to entertain my bumkin cousins, and yesterday I didn't feel good. Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital for an operation (ick needles), so I'm going to be past out for like the whole day. Ugh if you're religious pray for me.